Friday, 3 February 2012


Unless you or someone close to you has ever suffered from depression much of today's post will go over your head.

Have you ever looked in the mirror and said 'god I'm depressed - look at the state of my hair'? Or similar.

Can I ask you to think twice next time you want to say something is depressing you?

Yes, things can make you fed up/down/low/blue or even downright piss you off. But depressed? Nope.

When I was a child I got told off for saying I was starving. There were millions in this world who really were starving - I was merely hungry. That has stuck with me.

Depression and being fed up is similar. Unless you have been really depressed you have no idea what it is really like.

I hadn't.

I was never what you would call a happy person (except when I was dancing) but not really depressed either. Until I had my breakdown.

This was something that crept up on me gradually until one day I just didn't want to live anymore.

That was 13 years ago, and whilst my life is now well and truly worth living, it doesn't mean I live in Happy Fluffy Cloud Cuckoo Land. Not all the time anyway.

Today I did 2 things that on other days I would not be able to.

One was that I went into the doctor's reception on my own to collect my Happy Pills. Not a big deal to 99.9% of people. To me this was quite big. There is one receptionist who is a darling, and one who is a bitch. Some days I could cope with the latter and give her as good as I got. Other days she could reduce to me to very public and very humiliating tears.

I am fairly sure of who is there on which day of the week, but there are no guarantees are there? The nice one could be ill or have some other reason for not being there, and I would be faced with the bulldog chewing a wasp. I either ask Steve to come in with me or he goes and I wait in the car.

Today I went in alone.

As it happens it was the nice one so all was well. But it was a huge risk for me to take.

The other big thing was knocking on someone's door. I know I do it all the time at work, but today I was doing it as ME, not an anonymous carpet cleaner. And the person's door I was knocking on has issues with us. She is the mother in law of our ex landlord.

Again the fates were smiling on me as it wasn't her who answered the door. She doesn't even live at that address anymore. But again I was taking a HUGE step outside my safety zone.

And lived to tell the tale.

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